Working Through It To Get To It

P1060537aI want to learn something New about myself! I want to look in the mirror and say Wow! I didn’t know you could do that! I want to surprise myself. I want to be open to new possibilities! I want to learn something New about myself! Something that is already there, biding her time while I figure it out!

I have been reentering the world of journaling. You don’t say, you say?! Well it is true. I might have too much to say about a few things on here, but I have a whole lot of little things to say about a lot of things that I would rather keep to myself. I keep running in to reminders to keep the delving process to oneself. That if we share what we are working through, we make ourselves too vulnerable for the process to work. So I am choosy about what I post publically. And you would thank me. I am not sure you would want to hear about why I can’t fall asleep at night. And I don’t think I want to tell you. I can, however, mention that a good pair of bedtime socks makes a world of difference when you are feeling anxious.

Now that I have that rant out of my system… what I am thinking about today is this. I have a whole lifetime of issues, deep as an ocean, stored up inside me some place, waiting for the delving to begin. But none of that is news to me. I know what lurks, I know what I have pushed aside, chosen not to face, ignored or moved past. Do I really want to go digging again? Will digging in the past really help me move forward? Or is that just a way Not to move forward, another way for the pasts to keep me with them? I am not going in for full on denial. I have too much on my mind to just say Ok I’m done with all of that now. And I have a book specifically for writing out the thoughts that rise up and persist. (I call it my Burning Book, because when it is full, I will consign it to fire, really let go.)

But I want to look into the unknown. I want to look into the mirror of the future and see something new in myself. So I am also going to turn to work books and daily guides that help draw me out into the great unknown that is the future. Because whatever came before, what ever lies beneath, a better me awaits.

Some might call this a midlife crisis!And while I can easily admit I might be approaching my midlife, crisis is such a negative word.

I just spent 5 minutes googling antonyms for the word crisis. 2 minutes because I couldn’t remember the word antonym. The best listings I found for antonyms for the word crisis are ‘benefit, blessing, breakthrough, solution and miracle’.

Some might call this a midlife breakthrough, midlife blessing, midlife catharsis. Midlife Quandary! Oh I like that one. It is not an antonym, but certainly feels right. This is not a crisis. I am so done with crisis!

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That’s it! I am having a Midlife Quandary! My quandary is who the heck am I going to be now? What direction awaits me now? What am I going to do? Where did that kitchen robot get off too? I want breakfast!

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