I have been doing a lot of looking back lately. Way back. To a time long past. Decades back even. To people I crossed paths with. People whose lives I ran through like a tornado. Thanks to social networking, I can still see glimpses of these people and their lives. And for the most part I know they are doing alright. But it is the ones I can’t see, can’t find, that I still wonder about. If they were visible to me would I still think of them? Or is it that untied string, that lack of closure, that lack of having them some how attached to my life now, that brings them into my thoughts? Is it regret? A wishing to go back in time? Or to make amends? Maybe it is the fact that my heart has once again woken to the presence of someone else I seem to have left behind, at least in physical state. And I remember what else I have done.
Whatever it is, it makes me wonder. If I were to walk down the street and see one of them leaning on a lamp post, hands in pockets, eyes squinting in possible recognition, what would I do? What would I say? I feel like I need to find a way to say it, you know? Dear ….s, Im sorry I was such a careless jerk. I had no business playing with you and your heart like that. I had no business talking to people at all at that time in my life. I was a mess. And I am sorry. What is it I am after, having these thoughts follow me through the years? Forgiveness? Healing? A hug? A do over? Closure? Perhaps concern or hope that now I am returning to the scene of the story, that these people will somehow be accessible? Or am I just putting myself through unnecessary internal drama due to sleeplessness induced depression?
Being so close to the city where all that happened, maybe that is what brings these thoughts around right now. Who knows, maybe that person is out there wondering what I would say? Or harbouring some serious resentment or pain that needs healing. Can we be empathically connected through time I wonder?!