I think mostly I need purpose. That is what my problem is. The sedentary life style is just making me more lazy! I am not being productive. But maybe I am doing exactly what I Need to be doing at this time. I have gone through this before, phases and cycles of being down. Lazy time. I remember pre motherhood, sometimes these bouts would last for a couple of weeks, a month. Stay home, stay in, stay as quiet as possible, read and write and eat and read and write some more. stay in bed for days. And I guess I am doing that right now. Only I am so tired from disturbed sleeps that I am not enjoying my down time. I am not being very creative with my free time. Not creating anything. Because that takes energy. And I don’t have any, as it is getting sucked away by insomnia. Mine and my housemates. So I spend my mornings trying to gather enough energy to get to lunch, to get through the afternoon. And of course the day starts over again at 3, when the kids are home. And that takes a whole nother bout of energy. And I want to be at my best for them. Elfkin deserves my best. So I spend my days in as still a state as possible. Mostly on the computer. My mind is being entertained. I am socializing as much as on line allows… I am reaching out in a way I never did before. I have connections. Maybe I am just in a drawing in phase. Drawing in energy and bravado, much needed after everything I pulled off in the last month or 2. And this is the thing of it as well. I am used to having such demanding purposes, that I think I exhausted myself. And I don’t have any of those demands right now, no intense purpose to force me up and at ’em! I am used to multiple jobs, constant child care arranging. Have to’s and responsibility. Now what do I have? A small area to keep tidy, a family around me to keep happy so that the equilibrium and harmony of my borrowed home space is not shaken too hard. Like when I am on a plane during take off, closing my eyes, seeking inner stillness, gripping the arm rests with a fervor, willing everything to be ok. That takes a Lot of energy you know!
So that is what I am doing. Keeping it all together, inside and out. With our without purpose. But I think I am getting bored. I don’t need to indulge this down cycle any longer. But what to do? It isn’t like I am in solitude, free to strew creative venues all over the place. So. Write. Converse. Walk the dog on new streets. Yoga. Sing in the shower. Get a job (I’m working on it, honest!). Rue? Time to stop Ruing! Because I honestly don’t want to feel Down anymore. So until I have a job that calls for me to dash in 7 directions all at once, I need to bring my focus back to the Now and I need to feed my core with light and positivity, need to remind myself that I have earned and need this. And that it is ok. (And to quote the marvelous Stuart Smalley…) “Gosh darnnit people like me”
Time to get Up and Out!