When I read, I read for fun. That is the extent of it. I eat fiction up like it is a free box of donuts.
I Love stories that reel me in with their ability to feel immediately real. Like the characters in a book might be my new neighbours. I am invested. I care, hate, fall in love, dream, obsess. I hate when a book is nearly done. Sometimes I will put it aside around the last chapter or two. When I feel like it is coming to a close, I will abandon it for a few days, a little while. Because I can’t bare the thought of it being done, and those characters and stories not being part of my life anymore. Maybe I need to get out more? Or maybe I am the reason people write! For people like me, so need to exist inside themselves.
Give me a door way to wonderland, where the landscape is a bit fantastical and magic abounds, but where the characters feel real enough that I watch for them on the street.
Checking In. Check it Out. Check One Two Three. Is this thing on? Am I on? How’m’I doin’ folks?!
OOO How am I doing? Whelp, pretty good 🙂 Monday blew by in a wave of productivity. And Tuesday has the weather lined up nicely with my plans to law low. Still gittin er done, as they say up in the old whereabouts, but slowly. Surely. Facing one task at a time. Problem is, every check on the to do list seems to be followed by a new addition. But I wanted to get busy, was tired of not having purpose. So purpose is now presenting itself.
I am RePurposed. On Purpose. If 5 is High, I’m at about a 4.3. No wait, that is kinda short. If 5.10 is as tall as I get, I’m nearly there. See what I did there? What Am I doing? You Tell ME!
She is always present. Sometimes in silent conversation in my head, sometimes something larger than life that I tap into. I feel her, I am aware of her. Around me, in what I do. She is like an internal regulator. I miss having her picture above my mirror where I could look at her, gauge how I was doing. Now I just tap into her within myself. And she is there. She pops up like a reminder. That is what Mums are for, after all!
Today I was thinking about my first week in university. The conversation she had with my sweetheart of a boyfriend I had at the time. That week that after they dropped me off. She told him I had to do this and that he had to let me. She told him not to get in my way. And then she told me she told him that. She was giving us both a fair and straightforward heads up. She did that for me a lot. Stood up for me in a way, in that way. I always thought I was just doing whatever I wanted, but she would step in for me. And she was right. That is the thing. She was always right.
Maybe because I am a child at heart, or because I am forever her daughter, I really want to know what she would do or say today. Would she tell me to smarten up, to focus? Actually, knowing her, she would just listen in a way that would guide me around to figuring it out for myself. And I don’t think she would tell me anything. Gotta love her methods! But I have a vast bounty of her wits and wisdoms to tap into. I can smile right now, and mean it. We are linked. And o yes, as per usual, I know she is right.
Every move has some regrets. With every move there are those things we lose track of. Some item lost, given away, shed, that we wish we still had. Me, I miss my table. My little retro yellow and white diner table. That table where Avery took his first bites in his little green retro booster seat. Where he splattered paint across the room, avacado, mango mush. Stained from his creations. That table was just a part of our lives, for his whole life. And I miss it like an aching hole in my stomach. If I had known I was going to have to leave behind some things, I would have better planned. I would have stored that table. But I held out a last minute hope that I could bring it with me. And then in the flurry of clearing out what didn’t fit on the trailer, I gave it away. I know it went to a good home, to someone who could use it. But I mourn it. I mourn it’s lost chances. I miss its presence, I miss the future we might have shared. I can see that table out on my future patio, or in my garden shed. I can see Avery as a grown man setting my tea and sandwiches on it. The stains I tried to bleach out and then decided added to its special charm would catch our eye. I am mourning it like the lost time we have left behind. I miss that table dammit!
Right now I think maybe my physical state is my kryptonite. I can complain of a headache, being too tired, sore, having a cold. All these things hold me back from gathering momentum and moving forward.
I am not really sure what to do about this aside from recognizing it. I have always said that I think we should listen to our bodies. They tell us what we need. If we are over tired, catch ourselves being lazy very often, introverted, hermitizing, I am the first to say Listen to this, you are trying to tell yourself something. And indulge, within reason. But if I start falling back on these limits, I am not just giving in to myself in order to fulfill things I need. I am letting myself get away with something. And getting knocked down even further.
But over coming physical states of being is hard, isn’t it? That doesn’t mean it is irrelevant either. But it might be time to find some immunities. Notice that kryptonite as it falls, and not let it determine my out look.
More on this soon.
I do love to people watch. Mostly because I love to sit alone, and in public places. And I love to stare. Not awkwardly. I do wear dark sunglasses. Gawsh People! What do you think I am like? Actually I think it is inherited. I remember our Mum would sit too long at lights because she was so interested in the people walking around on the street 😀 I know she was making stories up for them. I used to do this on long bus rides. TheGrey Hound bus and I made up some fantastic story lines for fellow passengers and people in other autos.
Lately what I have been enjoying most is watching Other People People Watch. I love noticing people taking notice of other people. For instance, the very tall very handsome young man on the bus the other day, a student type. He sat near the back, diagonally in front of me, optimum for my watching pleasure 🙂 He filled in the bus seat, but still able to slouch somehow. Ear buds, no sunglasses. Looking straight ahead for most of the ride. Not much was catching his eye. Bus pulled up to a transfer spot. I spotted the tall well polished blond from the other day. (She who sneers at grown women’s clothing choices?). She noticed him, he noticed her. I saw in a flash an entire movie plot. She noticed him noticing her but managed to keep herself composed. He did not. He sat up and really took notice. The bus pulled away. She stared straight ahead, he watched her recede. Then went back to his sitting, listening and staring. I wonder. I wonder if they knew each other. Maybe there is already a story there? Or maybe she is very much his Type!?
Just after that I realized a man sitting diagonally behind me was watching me. I wonder if he caught on to the brief interplay that I had taken in. Or what he thought I was up to!
Challenge; instead of just noticing other people, or reacting to what they are doing in Your scope of vision, try to see what They are seeing!
I have been having a similar thought a lot lately. That as long as I am in a sort of depressed state, and that state is filtering how I feel and see things, I am not going to get out of that state. Seems like common sense, right? LIke this never ending sinus cold that has returned with a vengeance once again. If I indulge in misery over having a head ache or missing out on a nights sleep, I am just going to continue to feel more miserable, and then I am going to have even More misery. But if I can find a way out of or past resentment, if I can just shrug and let go a little, turn my feels around, maybe I will start to really come out of this. I keep seeing little opportunities, ways I can do it. And I have been paying attention to those. Ideas that could become plans. If I could just shake off the resentment of lost chances for sleep, or noise interference.
It is cause and effect laws of the universe. And I know this. I will get what I am open to receiving. And I do so want to feel Good. I am a believer in the positive. I said to Elf yesterday that I was afraid that one day what he would remember about me was that I was fun sometimes but tired a lot. I don’t want that to be all he can say about me. And I don’t really believe that. But it is a message I need to pay attention to. Rise up Woman!!! It really isn’t so bad, or hard! Even if it is just a small thing, a slight turn around, this dance of 2 steps forward and a few shuffles back every time I stumble a little, it isn’t going to get me very far. Time to add some stretches and leaps and maybe a flail or two to this jitterbug!
I should add for sake of not plagiarizing, that I have had Great Big Sea stuck in my head for days, a mantra about getting up and getting level. So go look up that song, it is going to be my theme, my rise up and fist pump theme. After this mellow flute strain is done, after I stretch out the kinks of an actual decent night of sleep!
Force a smile it actually feels good. Go on, do it. Feel that? That is what I am aiming for today. I now challenge myself. And you, dear handful of friends, I know you will. Smile even if it is forced. Next time I start to moan inwardly at some perceived infraction or interruption to my needs, I am going to force that shit down with a smile 🙂 I’m doing it right now. And the children aren’t even wondering why. (They might have already given up on my sanity).
I WILL SMILE! It will do more for me than griping.